Good advice or not: Don’t make financial decisions when in grief

For this week’s Reality Cheque, we’re looking at how grief can mask financial issues.

Over the last several years, I have written regularly about death. It is a bit of an occupational hazard when you work on projects that write about disabled people’s relationship to death throughout history, you’ve talked publicly about how your dead friends have really shaped your approach to your personal and professional life, and you’ve done work for an outlet that published a series on the death of one of North America’s most impactful disability activists.

Trust me, death and I have a working relationship. 

Grief and your pocketbook

Throughout the past three years, there has been one constant in my writing about loss: a low-key throwing-caution-to-the-wind approach. But the weight of processing grief usually leads me to a little bit of retail or food therapy. Data shows that financial challenges and grief often go hand in hand. Research by the Irish Hospice Foundation in 2022 found that 36% of people report struggling to meet their basic financial needs after a loss, and 30% said they struggled to pay for housing, whether that was their rent or mortgage. 

Often what’s talked about when it comes to death and money is the immediate effects of a loved one’s passing—like their last income tax file and how costly funerals can be. There are also longer-term, lesser-known financial impacts that can be just as disruptive—like the cost of prolonged grief-related depression, or the learning curve of managing finances for the first time if your partner always handled the responsibility.

Gary Thandi, the executive director of B.C.-based Moving Forward Family Services, knows that all too well. After the death of his wife nine years ago, following her diagnosis with a rare form of early onset dementia, he had to wrangle that grief and its financial realities.

“The person that she was, the amazing person that she was, I lost back even before she passed away, I lost her years prior. I thought, ‘I could drop dead as well the next day, so, why would I even plan? Why would I talk to my financial planner?’”

After her death, he started Moving Forward, a non-profit aimed at reducing barriers to mental health care in Canada. Thandi says that your financial approach after a major loss can seem at odds with your needs. “You’re just trying to survive, you’re just trying to function, you’re just trying to get through the day,” Thandi says. “So often you’re not able to address the issues around your financial circumstances, and yet it’s such a huge part of your survival.” 

The downstream effects of trying times

It’s an experience that still challenges his financial outlook: He can’t bring himself to look at his financial investments with the same attention to detail as he did before his wife’s death. He attributes that barrier to his investments’ association with a future he planned but never got to live. 

“I was nihilistic. This came so out of the blue, so far out of left field,” he says. “There is still a part of me, after all these experiences, that thinks, ‘Why should I plan?’” 

One struggle for many going through this experience—especially if the loss involves a partner—is taking on the financial responsibilities that their loved one typically dealt with, such as paying the bills. Thandi says this stress can be triggered by many other situations, from changing names on accounts to managing everyday purchases. 

“We used to go to garage sales together. I would grab whatever we needed, and then she would negotiate the prices,” he says. “She was more tenacious, and I appreciated that. That was her skill set.” Over time, he realized he needed to become a bit more like her, or just accept who he is.

That meant finding processes that worked for him, which included making a definitive choice to meet with a financial planner, accepting support from family and friends, and acknowledging the privilege he had thanks to his investments. 

For those in a similar place, his advice: Don’t be too hard on yourself if your financial decisions aren’t the ones you would have previously made. Recognize that it’s perfectly fine to acknowledge just how difficult these experiences can be.

“Go easy on yourself,” says Thandi. “You’re never too old to learn.”

Read more from this issue of The Get:

1. Can you bring food to sports and concert stadiums in Canada?
2. Ever played LUG Sports? Find out about its CEO, Ethan Wright
3. Buyer or seller: How to make deals at garage sales
4. Can someone buy a house on a limited pension?